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I was woken up from my rest at about 5 pm saying there were a pair of lungs on the horizon - and I would know by 8.30 pm if the transplant would go ahead. It felt really surreal and I didn't want to get too excited in case it became a false alarm. However, at 7pm I was told that the transplant may happen at 8 pm (if the organs were ok) + to get prepared as if going to the theatre.

My goodness, talk about a stampede of elephants .. that hour I felt almost attacked every which way, doctors, nurses, surgeon, anaesthetist, bloods, wash, questions asked and more questions. I was starting to panic every now and then, maybe a combination of nerves and excitement? My breathing got faster and I found it hard to breathe and the thought of having the transplant so soon was very scary and daunting. I really thought that this was it, it was going to happen tonight (27th May) - my head was all over the place with mixed emotions.

I was surrounded by my family and my fiance, so the support was great. I didn't want to talk too much as I was Nil by Mouth as well - and I was trying to avoid getting thirsty (if I talked lots). I thought if it doesn't go ahead the first thing I would do is drink and eat! Time was passing on and it became a long waiting game ... 9pm...10 pm... the atmosphere in my room - electric.

Next came a knock on my door, and the transplant co-ordinator came in saying "it's not good news"...faces dropped, sad eyes from all, disappointment and shock. Well, what can you do in a situation like this? I felt numb and empty. By this time, all I wanted to do was eat and not worry about my emotions too much. I didn't sleep that well during the night, as if I was still absorbing the news.

So, it's now 8.30 pm on Sunday evening (28th May), and yesterday's event seem more of a dream in my world of surreal reality. On a positive note, even though I have been waiting over a year now, I have had 2 calls within 2 months (approx), lets hope I get another call soon and become 3rd time lucky.

So how do I feel now, Well, life goes on and I need to remain positive and believe that my life changing transplant will happen. Gee....its tough, but I'm a fighter and I have just got to keep going

Just to let Sarah W (from Herts) know that it was me propped up against the window at the hospital. I saw you and your daughter too. Hello also to Sarah (from Isle of Man), Lisa (in Germany) and Tania (in Herts). And love to everyone else supporting my daily battle with the end stage of the LAM disease I suffer from xx "

Below is the latest entry from the diary queen.

" Hello ! Todays diary is a little poem for you all. Here goes...

The sun is out in its glory
Another day for all those following my story.
My tummy is full - like a little belly,
Yet in ITU my whole body was a wobbly jelly !
Months on, I feel toned and firm
Physio putting pressure causing the burn
To see how much I could re-learn.

I will now have counselling
Once a week to keep me sweet, and ease my mind from any mistreats
What of my breathing ?
Well i'm still huffing and gasping when I move for air.
Quick nurse, let me sit down back on the chair.

No more sun, the sky has just turned grey.
Will this affect my mood - and make me pray -
That this will be the day
To highlight what everyone has been waiting for.
Beaming smiles from door to door.

News of a transplant in store?
Hurray for that day! I will be able to:-
Dance, do sports, walk and breathe
Have a normal life -
No strife
Re-live, re-born, re-light.
What a joyous feeling.
My eyes at the thought of this,
Light up the my ceiling.

Will I live or will I die ?
The more the sun shines,
And less clouds go by.
Somewhere I will be sitting on a fluffy cloud -
Watching my love for the world say hi or goodbye.

Have a good day everyone and keep the messages coming x "
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Sent in to Webmaster from a BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

19th MAY 2006
Welcome to my diary world in a hospital chair and attached to tubing via my chest into tubing into the wall. I feel like a spaghetti junction, and when I wash - the tubing is changed to a longer tube - like a roller coaster ride of tubing across the room. Why go to Alton Towers - when you can come to "Justines world" - less expensive and adventures in one room, enjoy spaghetti rides, elevating bed, a selection of board games and this week only, queue early to avoid dissapointment for a free packet of Justines fave crisps at the month, being Nik-Naks.

The last few days have been okay - except for the shortness of breath I experience on/off during the day. When I get short of breath, its horrible. My head goes fuzzy like I'm going to blank out and I am gasping for air. However, I am able to control this with slow deep breathing to bring my oxygen levels up. I have to say though, it does scare me every time - as it feels awful.

Two great things have happened to me - that bought a smile to my face. Firstly a portable suction !! Yippy ! It was tried today and I walked round my room and outside my room door (with the long tubing trailing behind me). I have a large window facing the outside to which I propped up against and watched the world go by. I felt emotional as a step closer to reality and away from the 4 walls of a room. The suction at the moment is to be used for physio purposes, but I have been told that it can be loaned for special trips too. Jon and I talked about having a picnic outside and going to the hospital restaurant (something to look forward to).

The second smile on my face, was from 3 musicians who came into my room and played a tune. They were brilliant and looked hilarious wearing the green protective aprons and gloves whilst playing violins and a chello. This really cheered me up and brightened my day.

I feel happy that I will start seeing some more friends too. I miss the outside life, but I need to get used to finding a life within hospital. This is starting to take form. I also enjoy my chats with the nurses looking after me and other staff at harefield.

Please keep the messages coming in. Hugs to you all xx

17th MAY 2006
Hi all! I'm soon to eat my lunch after a hard morning. I feel a little sad, as although I am better from all that I have been through, my health has deteriorated. This morning, and every morning I need help organising my wash, moving my drain etc....and I become so breathless. My breathlessness is a lot worse now compared to last year on any movement. I find this both upsetting and frustrating. Also the fact I am still stuck in the room, and the fact I have to use a commode for the toilet. It may seem a bit silly, but I miss the home luxuries.

Being on the waiting list is so hard, not knowing which way I will go. I am very positive most of the time, but I have moments like now to which I get frightened. By which I mean my breathing/health getting worse and not getting the transplant in time. I am living in limbo, and so wish for a new lease of life again.

Otherwise, I am still eating well and my weight is stable. The physio is improving slowly, 15 minutes on the bike today - whilst music pumping away on radio 1. Although one song came on with a very fast beat...but I am more the tortoise speed than hare( if you know the fairy tale story)

I have moved rooms too - with a view of grass, trees and ITU ! I saw some birds this morning - and it was lovely to see - I appreciate things so much more now. However, I didn't realise that there were huge spiders webs outside my windows. Thanks to Jon, he cleared them all away - and I saw this "enormous" spider fall down. I had a mini yelp out....and Jon laughed(typical .. He he). So glad that the spider was outside and not in my room wanting to socialise with me.

I am missing so many things now and friends.... Probably a sign that I need to get back some kind of normality in my life. I miss my chats on lamline too.

Also I want to day "Hi" to all the American lam ladies who have left me messages - thanks so much and big hugs to you all..

Hugs to everyone. Speak soon x

12th MAY 2006 (Posted 13th May)
"Hello my lovelies ! I am loving all my messages coming in still, thank you so much !

Today, I want to take a chance to write a few personal messages in my diary to people that have asked me questions. I've decided to answer them all now and say hello to some close friends who I have been unable to communicate with over the past three months.

Next message will be back to my exploits and not so personalised.

To Trevor OSullivan...Jon and I laughed so much at your last message..it was so funny. To Mark, you asked about TV recommendations - Well for me it will be Lost and Big Brother starting next week. To Ollie, in response to you asking whether I write my own personal diary - Yes I do ! So everyone - I have two diaries ( website) and (my private diary...book material I'm sure). Ollie, ta for photos, I have a picture of you and the lizard photo on my noticeboard. To Gemma, yes I do have my mobile and I put it on every now and then. Also big hello to all the staff at Esporta repton park - What a nice surprise to hear from you (Cassie)..glad you are still checking up on me.

So..how am I ? Well..I struggled with my breathing a bit today...Same old story. I was also a bit upset yesterday and cried as my thoughts were confirmed, that I need to remain in hospital now until my transplant. I guess its just the realisation that I could be here for a long time waiting, and sad that my lung will not fix at all now. I am back to either a single or double lung transplant - whatever comes up first. I really want a double but I have a feeling I will get a single. I can't even imagine what it will be like to be "normal" again and get a quality of life back - it brings tears to my eyes.

Besides that, I would like to start to see my friends again - but don't want a stampede..ha ha..
So, I will text people - and arrange over time, as I tire easily and need to pace things out slowly. So please bear with me - my friends. Ta.

I would like to say hello to - Katherine, Adam Living and all the Chelmsford crew. To Carrie, James Oakey, Carrie-Ann and Bruce.

Well..time to go now, have a grand weekend everyone. Enjoy the sunshine if the sun comes out again. Finally, to anyone I've forgot to mention, I really am loving all my messages - so please keep them coming - thank you ! xx"

Firstly, I must say that from my last diary entry I was wanting a Wimpyburger. Well, Jon went on a 1 and half hour mission to find one! (Uxbridge actually didn't have one there). Yum...Yum...digesting into my tum...tum...tum. Yippy! I was so happy! I'd been craving as Wimpy for so long and strawberry milkshake, and I had both. I can't tell you all - how divine it was - and worth the wait!!

I feel really good at the mo, as I am starting to look like my normal self and nothing like I was before when I was so poorly and had loads of tubes, drains, breathing machines, drips, and so on coming out of me. Which is why I haven't really wanted anyone to see me - as it wasn't nice and also upsetting at the time. Also the fact I couldn't talk, breathe properly, or even have much/no mobility.

Now...I am wearing make-up again (just on my eyes). I also had my hair cut yesterday from one of the nurses (she used to be a hairdresser ... so no dodgy haircut). I had about 3-4 inches cut off - wow - what a transformation its made. I feel so glamorous now - new haircut/style/image, eye make-up and my big smile back again!

The hole in my neck (where the trachea tube used to be) is healing nicely too - that should go soon. Also, yesterday I saw the scar from my operation for the first time. It's a massive scar (well I think so) a long line across my back. Although, I know my transplant scar will be much bigger.

Big thankyou to my sweetheart Jon for all his love and support and his mission for the ultimate Wimpeyburger satisfaction! Thanks to my mum and dad, brothers for their support as well.

Oops sorry - have more to say actually. I guess I have come a long way from almost dying in February, having an operation and the uncertainty as to whether I would pull through. Then being on a life support machine for weeks and contracting MRSA, candida and having a terrible eye infection - to which I could have lost my sight. Then having lung collapses afterwards. Gosh - what a fighter I've been ...and all in 3 months. But - I'm here staying strong - anyone fancy "a day in the life of Justine Laymond" - please do not hesitate to contact me - ha ha. xx

Yesterday, I suffered with my breathing on and off throughout the day. Today, so far, I have been o.k. I do not think that I will be coming home until I get my lung transplant even though there was talk of discharge in the medium term, my lung is still not healing and still leaking. With the chest drain, I also have whats known as suction (which is a tube attached from the chest drain into a suction devise fiited to the wall which helps suck air from the drain). The doctors tried to remove the suction but I was getting very short of breath as mu lung was not staying inflated and working, so the suction had to be put on again. Therefore, this is the reason why I will need to stay in hospital until I get my transplant. It seems now that my lung will not heal itself until that time.

My appetite is good, a far cry from the days when I could only sip water (at the time that was heaven for me). I have found out that there is a WimpeyBurger Bar in Uxbridge which isn't too far away so my dream food is soon to be on the horizon! Yippy!!

I also want to send my love to a very dear friend of mine - Yoshi - he was in a very bad car accident and was in a coma for 2 weeks. But, I am so relieved to hear that he is o.k. and on the mend.

How am I - you may want to know? Well, yesterday I struggled with my breathing in parts of the day. As I am being weaned slowly off the oxygen....my body has to adjust....and I guess I need to adjust to the change. Because of this - it feels hard at first, as my body has to work harder and breathing is a little tougher.

May 2006